for regular ramblings of a confused soul
The above quote is very apt for me. I blame others for most of my mood swings, my choices and basically for how my whole character is sometimes.
There are times I have the strength or I harness some courage and do what I aimed, without being bogged down by negative comments.
But, that courage and strength is temporary; because one fine day I am so vulnerable, that even the smallest Nay by someone makes me want to give up.
My grandmother’s sister (who we call Mashen) has been staying with us since Monday. She has a problem with her right knee, which causes her to limp.
For a recent feast, we were made to park the car around 400-500 m away from the church. Mashen hurried ahead, to the church, with my mom, while we parked the car. When we caught up with them, she was panting a lot and was tired. This made us request a car (leaving after the previous mass) to take her along and drop her at the church.
After the mass, when we were on our way home, mom started explaining how Mashen was panting badly once they sat in the car. Mashen, while smiling, replied saying, “That’s fine, God provides help, you just need to have faith. God never loses us.“
“You just need to have faith” – That is something I really, really need to believe in; something that I am trying my best to inculcate in my life.
Yes, there will be moments, days, weeks when nothing seems to be going right, but just have faith, work towards it and one fine day you get the satisfaction you crave. 😊
My dad who is an experienced driver for atleast 15 years in the U.A.E., gets a little intimidated to drive in the Goa traffic; so the evenings when I am at home and an errand requires going to the market, I become the designated driver by default.
Though that doesn’t stop my Dad from giving instructions almost every 10 minutes of the drive. By the way, I have been driving unchaperoned for atleast 4 years, not that there haven’t been any mishaps.
While coming back home from the market one day; we reached an intersection (T section) at which I had to take a right turn, I stopped to check if any car/bike was coming from the both sides; a girl on a scooter zoomed past straight infront of me (from the right to the left).
Mom: Look at that girl, riding so fast! Girls these days!
Dad: Yeah, look at that!
I (smirking): Hmmm
Dad (complaining to my mom): As if your daughter is any less.
I (laughing out now): Yeah.
Mom (forever defending me): Yeah, I know; but here, if you ride/drive slow or wait for sometime, people start honking and try to overtake you.
I: Why to wait in lines behind that one slow car/bike?
Mom: That’s also true. Only God can protect us, that’s all we can say.
While driving back home, I usually take a route which includes driving past a lot of residential areas; so I tend to encounter many pets and strays on the road, sometimes even squirrels and frogs ! But usually, I see them from afar. So I get the time needed to mentally prepare for any sudden movements.
Well getting back to the story, yesterday night I left for home a little later than my usual late timing. On a particular road, I could see two cars heading towards me; that I can handle. It is a two-lane road. But, what I didn’t calculate for was a dog suddenly popping out from the scary amount of shrubbery on the side of the road. So, he was basically 2 inches from the car; and as usual I was driving at 50-60 km/hr. Involuntarily, I braked sharply and swerved to the right, directly in front of the two incoming cars and somehow managed to swerve to the left in some seconds; avoiding the cars altogether; and most importantly avoiding the dog, who when I looked through my rear view mirror later, was happily jogging along the road.
That moment scared me so badly that I spent a good 10 mins driving at 30 km/hr. I know it’s minor compared to other accidents, but so many things raced through my mind later. Maybe it’s a survival instinct; the mind is configured to show us all we could lose, all that could happen, if we went ahead with a scenario that scared us badly, to tell us not to try that again.
In one of my previous posts, I mentioned that my Mom was at home with me these days. Well, she’s still here after extending her stay by another month. As much as my Dad and brother are counting the days till Mom joins them, I am counting the days till she will be gone, and I will be alone again.
Some people who know me, will think I am waiting for it happily, as I usually like living alone – there is no good way to say that. But having Mom with me for around 2 months was like the most comfortable time I have had here for a long time. Even managed to give me some motivation to show up at office for the crappy work.
It’s going to be difficult to get used to doing things without Mom. Coming back to an empty house, waking up on time for office instead of lazing for an extra 15 mins, will have to search for company to go anywhere, cooking my instant meals instead of having hearty, heavy meals.
Everyone just expects me to be able to bear it, as I have been handling it for so many years. “Handling” is an easy word to say – doesn’t describe the hours I spend thinking of a way to leave and join my family, the hours I spend consoling myself when I can’t find a way, the hurt I feel when relatives casually ask me, “Oh, you like Goa so much? That’s why you’re not going to your family?”.
It especially hurts when Mom is preparing excitedly to leave. I know, I know, Dad and my brother need her more than me. I can’t say all these things to Mom, as she would surely feel bad, so my rant here. 🙂
Thanks for reading 🙂
I sometimes have these moods; that cast a heavy, dark blanket all over me, which makes me numb to the outside world. I still don’t really understand it, what triggers it, what could help it, or should I say get rid of it.
When this mood comes over me, I can’t think, I can’t listen, and basically am screaming inside my head the whole time. The worst thing is when a friend asks me what happened and I can’t jokingly say, “mood swings”, because in this mood even trying to smile takes effort.
I usually brave it out, by continuing with my daily work routine and wait for it to lift off on its own. Sometimes a friend or relative helps lift it off which adds a little more happiness.
Today, I started my day with a cold, the continuous-sneezing-blowing-into-a-tissue kind; and spent more time holding my head in pain, than actually doing any productive work at office.
The worst part is that most of my sneezes tend to be internal. So, I hold my nose expecting a huge sneeze and receive in return a numbing pain, causing my eyes to brim with tears.
According to a website:
Internal Sneeze: Nothing actually comes out but only an odd “ump” noise. It’s surprising that the person’s eardrums don’t explode.
I am surprised my eardrums do not explode too. 😀
How would you handle sneezing continuously in a cafeteria during lunch? When standing and leaving is not an option? and obviously going hungry is not an option too.
My usual go-to move is to look away/down and sneeze away, usually crumbling into a mess. 😀
Earlier this did not bother me much. Maybe I was just amazing at ignoring it, but these few months it’s getting on my nerves. Maybe earlier it happened rarely. That a person sitting right next to me, with full knowledge that I am there besides them. Just me. But they are glued to their phones.
One such incident was when I wanted to order a take away at KFC. The friend who was with me said he would also accompany me. Then he added that we could have starters to pass the time. Who am I to say no to KFC? So I order my take out plus some snacks. So we are sitting at the table, we start talking and then in the middle of my question, he looks at his cell and boom he’s gone. He’s lost in his cell. My usual reaction is the bury myself too into my cell. But alas, my dumb cell’s battery is dead. The order is ready so I go to pick it up. I come back with the order and he’s still stuck in his cell. My reaction? “Come on let’s go. You can eat this at home right. Let’s leave.” The guy says, “You’re in a hurry?”.
I am fascinated by phones too! I really love those people who keep their phones away when they know someone is around. Yes, there are such people. They exist and I love them to bits. Atleast have the courtesy to say, “sorry but so and so is asking about something”. “Excuse me”. Or maybe “give me a minute”. Nope some people just dive into their cell and disappear. I wonder if they would realise if I just stood up and walked away.
End of rant ☺
<spoiler alert>
The Game of Thrones S6 E2
<spoiler alert>
Yesterday night, while dozing on our sofa, I was watching The Game of Thrones S6 E2 (Yeah I know I’m late 😦 ). I knew Ramsay was going to kill his father, Roose Bolton. I knew he would kill his step-mom, Wanda. But, I was shocked with the proceedings in this episode.
Roose on hearing the happy news that his wife gave birth to a son, happily turns to Ramsay and says, “You will always be my first-born”. Ramsay hugs and congratulates him and in the same breath stabs him! The damn Karstark just stands there. (Like dude! You are being so…. what is that word?! 😐 )
Ramsay as the new Lord Bolton, ‘summons’ Wanda with her baby (She just gave birth for crying out loud!) and takes them to the dog cages where he sets the hounds on both of them!
I needed a pause after that scene. Just close my eyes and lie down in peace.
How a scene imagined in someone’s mind can affect us mere mortals!
Driving my car for the feast mass at Aunts place,
On the way, an old man is riding his bike slowly,
So I speed up to overtake him,
I am looking at the car ahead as I overtake,
My sight suddenly zooms in on a cricket ball rolling on the road in front of my car,
And behind it a running teenaged girl,
I apply such a sharp break that my uncle sitting next to me bangs his chest on the dashboard,
My next reaction is to pull him back,
By the time I come out of my shock,
The girl has collected her ball and is happily back with her family,
Her dad starts screaming at her and she smilingly defends herself saying, “But, I was there on the road first!”
A man sitting in his car behind them starts screaming too,
But she balantly defends herself.
By then I have started my usual shivering and even though I want to,
I can’t get out of my car and give a piece of mind to her.
My aunt who’s sitting behind starts crying,
She starts praising God and starts giving credit to The Mother Mary of Miracles.
During the feast mass, the scene keeps looping continuously in my mind.
Carol's Ramblings 