Thursday, 13th April 2017
It’s the Holy Week and as usual on it’s Wednesday, my cousin/aunt and I hurry for confession. A ritual(?) that we follow in which we tell our sins to a priest who in turn forgives us. Almost like wiping the slate clean (at least the part that we had the guts to confess). That’s what I like to think happens – the partially clean slate.
The bigger question – what is a sin?
My description of sin would be – Anything that hurts someone mentally or physically. It includes all the “bad” feelings like jealousy and anger. I usually use the 10 Commandments as a template when I explain to friends who ask what a sin would incorporate.
I guess I should maybe add myself to the list of people I hurt because of the whole “Your body is a temple of God” line in the bible. Some might find drinking (alcohol) a sin, some might find getting tattooed a sin. But in my eyes, it’s not a sin. Abusing alcohol to such a rate that you increase the possibility of killing yourself, is a whole different story. My friend lightly argued one fine day that I had sinned when I tattooed my hand. That tattoos and piercings are sins. But, I had an argument ready, my own parents had pierced my ears when I was just a baby. So, if I was already a sinner, maybe I can continue being one.
Who is to be blamed for that particular sin?
Mummy/Daddy or me?
Do you ever get that feeling where you doubt your actions?
I always have those 5 minutes of clarity (or maybe the opposite of clarity) where I wonder, am I being stupid waiting here for the old lady while carrying her bag? I’m sure anyone else would have just dumped the bag on her and left. Anyone else would have forgotten that their friend is leaving for another place tonight. People forget about me leaving. But, I’m stupid enough to drive all the way to her place to say bye.
I have those minutes of wondering if I’m being stupid, but then I go and do it anyway. Be stupid. Because then I would regret not being stupid. Regret not helping someone when I could. And regret hurts worse than being stupid.
Okay, we all have those awkward moments when you meet a friend’s friend or a colleague. You enjoy the starting moments joking about some mutual topic. Then comes the Silence of Doom!😂 like what do I talk now? I end up staring into the distance wondering what to talk about. You can’t exactly just get up and leave. It would look rude and you will obviously meet that person again some day. 😁 “Oh I’m sorry, I had to leave in a hurry, the rest of my life was waiting for me”.
So here are some general questions or discussions you can start till someone saves you:
Let’s start with the basic greeting, “so, how are you? Haven’t seen you around.” Or if you had seen the person around, “I really didn’t get a chance to talk to you. So how’s it going ?”
Continue with “So, how’s work?” Or “where do you work?” Or “are you still working at XYZ? So, you have to travel all the way to abc, right? Wow” Or if it’s a student, “how’s studies?” “Which year or grade?” “How were your exams?“
With most people this opens a dam of emotions because you either like your work or dread it 😂 and people hate the in-between too.😅
Then you can end with, “you heard from ABC?; how is he/she now?; where is he/she now?“. ABC being your mutual friend or someone you think the other person knows.
Normally this is enough to look friendly when you meet someone.
But what if you are stuck with that person in a car? Or if the only reply you get from the other person is an expression of deep thought and a long “hmmm”? Maybe, discuss the recent popular news. If you still don’t get any response, chuck it, blame it on the weather or some ailment but LEAVE! or if you are in a car, play some LOUD music or better yet, start singing 😀
We read many posts and quotes about friendships, love and many, many other things.
The one that keeps going through my mind right now is one that says something along the lines of not reacting to everything that is said to us.
Well, in my case, I react, I react to a lot. I have a hot head, but that is due to the fact that I get angry when I’m hurt. Thoroughly hurt. How am I supposed to react to someone taunting me about one of my weak points? Nope, I will never let anyone tell me I am any less than I already think I am. My mind is already doing a fine job. Sometimes the person passing comments is one of my own good friends, and come on, that isn’t expected.
One of the quotes that I agree with though, is we are responsible for our own happiness. If we can’t be at peace with ourselves, we will never be able to let anyone else close enough. Unless we understand what’s going on in our own minds, how do we explain ourselves?
Okay, everyone has good days and bad days right? Not all can be rainbow colored, candy filled days. Some days, I just want to disappear from the public eye and maybe rent out my own personal cave; and live there till everyone realises that I am having a BAD day! I ain’t trying to ignore you today. I am just having a BAD day!! Give me my space. I will revert back! You know I wouldn’t ignore something sent by you. So, when I do ignore or maybe decide to view it later; maybe, just maybe there is another genuine reason for it! Like maybe I haven’t recharged my data pack; maybe I am feeling sad; maybe the stupid network in my area is being stubborn again! maybe my dumb wifi isn’t working! or maybe I need some me time! there is some reason! I don’t need to be made to feel bad about myself when I am already down.
Stuck at the first step.
Stuck here while everyone is hopping and jumping onto the steps ahead.
And me? Well, I’m royally stuck!
Too scared to make a move in any direction.
Fearing that my feeble try at a “move” may make matters all the more worse.
Am I to be blamed?
Blamed for something that I wasn’t even given a chance to fail at.
Taken for granted to be someone who couldn’t succeed.
How can I be sure of myself, of my capabilities, when I haven’t been given even a single worthwhile shot at proving myself?
Due to recent circumstances, I will be posting a tirade. I need to vent it out.
Okay, Why do we have friends? To like accompany us through our life right. Make it happy, increase the light in our life! Ok, zen mode OFF and to sometimes guide us and in turn help them through their life too.
Now what if one of those friends does something stupid. Like really stupid. You tell the friend multiple times to stop it without any freaking result. Like u keep repeating a mantra, “Baba, don’t do it. It won’t help you.” But the stupid, dumb mantra and the considerable number of hours of cooing and begging to stop the nonsense, doesnt enter their thick brain. What do you do?!
I for one, and I’m guessing this is bad on my behalf (but I need to for my own mental health), I tend to space myself from such friends. You are hurting yourself, me and some other people in the bargain. Just stop it! Live your life! There are loads of ways to spend your time instead of obsessing about the same shitty thing!
But guess what?! I’m the bad person after all, ain’t I! No, you won’t stop the thing thats hurting everyone. Nooo. You will block me! How very convenient!
End of Tirade.
That felt good:)
The Game of Thrones S6 E2
Yesterday night, while dozing on our sofa, I was watching The Game of Thrones S6 E2 (Yeah I know I’m late 😦 ). I knew Ramsay was going to kill his father, Roose Bolton. I knew he would kill his step-mom, Wanda. But, I was shocked with the proceedings in this episode.
Roose on hearing the happy news that his wife gave birth to a son, happily turns to Ramsay and says, “You will always be my first-born”. Ramsay hugs and congratulates him and in the same breath stabs him! The damn Karstark just stands there. (Like dude! You are being so…. what is that word?! 😐 )
Ramsay as the new Lord Bolton, ‘summons’ Wanda with her baby (She just gave birth for crying out loud!) and takes them to the dog cages where he sets the hounds on both of them!
I needed a pause after that scene. Just close my eyes and lie down in peace.
How a scene imagined in someone’s mind can affect us mere mortals!
“Once there was a girl. She had an uncle who she loved and respected dearly and who loved her too as his own daughter. Whenever he was unwell, he would make it a point to make her take him to the doctor. Any illness, whatsoever, she would make it a point to find out a solution for it. He was her favorite uncle. He had to be around forever.
But, her uncle had an alcohol addiction. Lunch and dinner each would always be accompanied by a glass of whiskey. This continued till one day his liver couldn’t take it anymore. He lay on his hospital bed, helpless; while the doctors seemingly gave up any chance of him recovering.
The girl prayed and prayed as much as she could. Her uncle was supposed to live forever. He had to be there to see her future successes and failures. She couldn’t bear to see anyone else close to her in the same condition as her uncle. She cryingly begged her father and a close friend to control their alcohol consumption.
As the days passed, there was good news. Her uncle’s condition had recovered enough that he could be taken home. So, he was taken home happily where he was under the strict supervision of his family every single minute. The girl was ecstatic. Her uncle was going to be okay.
After a month or two, when she was at the cinema with her friend in another city, she got a call saying he passed away.
She now ponders the reason for all the trouble? Death comes. How much ever you postpone it. Death will come. With or without the pain. Why not let everyone do what they like?
If alcohol didn’t take him, something else would have done the job.
The girl wonders, Shouldn’t we then just live life as is, as we want?
Drinkers drink. Drivers drive. Foodies hog.“
Secrets are shared with our most trust worthy friends. But, sometimes, actually most times, these friends tell their own trust worthy friends and so on till atlast society seems to know the alleged “secret”.
Sometimes, a certain problem we are going through we share with someone we trust. But, by hook or by crook the topic comes up in daily talks in such a way that letting out my secret doesn’t seem like a bad idea.
Holding a secret in your mind, to yourself, seems like the best idea! That way you don’t have to wonder, “OMG! Does she know? What does he think of me?”. 😱
All this talk of secrets reminds of a song:
” Tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insincere
I’m gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don’t need another perfect lie
Don’t care if critics ever jump in line
I’m gonna give all my secrets away”
– OneRepublic: Secrets