Slip of Belief

Let me start by saying I am Catholic. I attend Sunday mass come what may. I say my habitual prayers after waking up, before eating food and before sleeping. These prayers have become so habitual, that I say the Sign of the Cross subconciously. So, sometimes I end up saying it twice because I don’t really remember saying it the first time. Or sometimes I end my sign of the cross mid-way because I dont actually have to say a sign of the cross before drinking coffee, right. 😁

Then I would like to state the fact that Yes, I do actually believe in God. I can blurt out the whole Apostles Creed and prove that I believe in God. Seriously, I believe there is someone out there watching out for us; keeping us sane; keeping us right; helping us through whatever we are going through.

But, there are some days when I am sitting in church listening to the homily, listening to the priest go on about how God always has a plan, always has a reason for everything that he does, not to doubt him; and all I do is zone out and think about those statements.

It’s like we are justifying every single wrong that’s happened to us; every choice that has been stolen from us; every loss as God’s great plan for us. It doesn’t matter the amount of heart break, tears and consoling we have been through to get over our loss. Maybe those wounds are still open. Not ready to heal. Shocked with the reality that God’s great plan for us had that loss written in it. Why?

So far, whenever God has diverted me from what my first choice would have been, he has been right. He has given me a life that I am forever grateful for. There are certain things that I would like to grill him about. But, 98% of the times he’s been right. Can’t question him.

Then there are those days, when you just lose the connection. When everything seems to be crashing and you just sit there, lost. Not really remembering that there is a God who we believe in subconsciously. Those are the days when we feel orphaned. Even with the big family and the number of friends.


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